Seeing singleness and marriage as gifts within the church

What comes to mind when asked about the key milestones of the typical Singaporean life? You probably thought about completing formal education, landing a steady job, getting married, have children, and finally retirement. This life trajectory seems ingrained in us as we subconsciously plan for one or two milestones ahead. While still in school, we select subjects that will benefit us during job hunting. Once we start work, we begin saving up in anticipation of the cost of weddings, getting our own flat and raising children. Moving to the next milestone when one is completed seems natural.

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with this trajectory. In fact, my own life follows this path, at least up to having a child. (Retirement for me, alas is still very much in the horizon.) But the danger is when these milestones are taken as checkboxes to tick off when progressing in life, whereby missing one suggests a falling short of the norm. I admit as I interact with people in their 20s and 30s in the workplace, there is a tacit expectation that they are either married or attached with plans to marry eventually. Even when someone is single, the working assumption is that they are transiting through relationships. In that mindset, marriage is the normal outcome to be worked towards. No partner yet? Look for someone suitable. In a steady relationship? Start thinking about marriage.

But Paul has no such expectations for Christians. Yes, there are good reasons for a Christian to be married, such as preserving one’s godliness when it comes to sexual temptation (1 Cor 7:9). Similarly, there are good reasons for a Christian to remain single, like having more bandwidth to consider how to please the Lord (1 Cor 7: 32). Both marriage and singleness are gifts from God. They are different, but the difference is in kind rather than in value, for “each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another” (1 Cor 7:7). To see marriage as a natural progression in life is to miss the point that whether in singleness or in marriage, we are called to glorify God by walking in step with His commandments (1 Cor 7: 19-20).

So then, how can we, as a church, help to remind one another of this truth? First, we can be careful not to let society’s expectations regarding marriage seep into the church. When we set up the chairs in our rooms two by two (space constraints notwithstanding), are we unwittingly signaling a couple as the norm and singling the single Christian out? When we question someone why “so old but no boyfriend/girlfriend yet” or joke about him being left on the shelf, might we be in contempt of his singleness, which is as much a gift from God as marriage? So then, let us be aware of how society’s views about marriage and singleness have crept into our interactions with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, and bring them into alignment with God’s word.

Second, we can focus our spiritual concern for each other primarily on their godliness, with marital status becoming relevant only insofar as informing our specific encouragements. In 1 Cor 7, Paul’s overriding concern was for the Corinthians church’s godliness. Whether it was the encouragement to marry or to remain single, it was about doing what was good for their godly living. If sexual temptation will be an issue, it is better to marry than to burn with passion. But if not, it is good to remain single to please the Lord more wholeheartedly. Likewise, when we meet with each other to share lives and pray for one another, may we encourage each other to see how we can please God in our lives. And if they are single, let us encourage them to see singleness as a gift from God even amidst societal pressures to marry.

May Mt Hermon BP Church be a community where everyone feels a sense of inclusion and belonging because of our shared unity with Jesus Christ, and even more so when that is harder to come by in our society.

Deacon Samuel Chan